Nicola Zoghbi – Independant for Battle Raptor River—Crowfoot
Who Am I
I am a dad who's passionate about dinosaurs, even more so than his toddler. Battle Raptor River—Crowfoot is home to Drumheller, often called Dinosaur Valley. As your local candidate, I wish to raise awareness about dinosaurs, big and small, meat-eaters and plant-eaters, to inspire and educate the young and old across Canada.
- Hometown: Montreal, QC (I know, it's strange that I'm allowed to run in a riding I don't live in, right?)
- Occupation: tour guide and teacher.
- Favourite dinosaur movie: Jurassic Park (1993).
- Favourite crop to watch grow in the garden: tomatillo, it's sooo huge!
- Least favourite animal: the bloody squirrel that eats all the pears from our tree!
- God creates dinosaurs.
- God destroys dinosaurs.
- God creates man.
- Man elects Kurek.
- Poilievre eats Kurek.
- Man elects dinosaurs.
- Dinosaurs inherit Raptor River—Crowfoot.
Promises
Dinosaurs for everyone
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A name honouring the dinosaurs
My first move as MP will be to rename the electoral district Raptor River—Crowfoot, in honour of the velociraptors that once terrorized the Albertan plains.
Proposed flag of Alberta -
A new theme park for Alberta
I will lobby Universal to open a Jurassic Park theme park in the district. Visitors from all over the world will flock – like pterodactyls – to the new sight to relive the adventures of Dr. Alan Grant and the other poor souls who had the (mis)fortune of seeing the dinosaurs up close.
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Dino Day
I will launch a task force to try to determine the exact day of the Cretaceous–Paleogene (K–Pg) extinction event, i.e. when that asteroid fell in present-day Mexico. The goal is to declare Dino Day an official federal holiday and a day of mourning. Currently, scientists tend to argue in favour of the northern hemisphere spring, but since the dinosaurs didn't have the modern calendar, it's hard to tell.
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A new campus for Bishop's University
I plan on convincing Bishop's University to open a campus in Drumheller, specifically for students wishing to specialize in paleontology and paleocinema.
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The CBC Dinosaur Initiative
Many Albertans are tired of funding the CBC. I have a solution that will make everyone happy. The amount the CBC receives will depend on the count of the word "dinosaur" on their website. This will encourage a wide variety of interesting topics to be featured on the platform, such as stegosaurus, velociraptors, and other dinosaurs.
Secondary issues
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Proportional representation for all humans
Our electoral system needs to change. Your party gets 42% of the vote? You get 42% of the seats. Your party gets 2%? Same concept. Party leaders should not have to run a local campaign to win. Let them focus on the big picture. Carney and Poilievre both did well in the last elections, and their job shouldn't depend on how well they did in a district they know litte of. Let the local candidates like me or one of my 200-some opponents represent you, but ideally me.
Unhappy about our First-past-the-post electoral system -
A new capital for Canada
Ottawa became capital partly because it was far from the American border, at a time when the threat of US invasion was existant. Today, the threat is threefolds. Drumheller is further from the 49th parallel than Ottawa is to the Saint-Lawrence River. As such, it would be a safer option for Parliament Hill, which would be renamed Jurassic Hill. The House of Commons would become known as the Cretaceous Commons.
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French lessons for all
I will personnally teach French to all constituents who are interested in learning the romantic language of Quebecers.
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Passenger rail for Alberta
Albertans deserves better than a twice-a-week rickety train crawling from Toronto to Vancouver. My plan is to implement 3 new routes, linking the province's 3 most important cities: Calgary, Edmonton, and Drumheller.
Proposed DinoRail network -
Alberta sovereigny for those who want it
Tired of bickering about whether Alberta should stay or go? How about both? I plan on providing an Albertan passport to all those who want it, producing an Albertan currency that is at par with Canadian dollars, and provide Albertan Defense uniforms to all soldiers who request them. Albertans will essentially choose whether they associate themselves to the existing monarchy or a newly formed dinocracy. Life will go on, and we will all be able to enjoy the more fun things in life, like plotting on how to give Alberta access to the ocean (knock knock, BC), or changing the name of the city of Camrose to Camblue, to appeal to a wider crowd.
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Alberta First
My Alberta First plan includes investing in solar and wind, but the oil and gas industry that makes our province proud will not be affected. How, you say? As our population grows, so will our demand for electricity. Just kidding, we'll simply put an end to oil and gas extraction and production in Alberta.
Achievements
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A good sense of direction
As a tour guide, I pride myself on not losing anyone on one of my tours. Oh wait, it happened once, but in my defense, it was while touring 50 cruise ship guests around Canada's biggest church, at St-Joseph's Oratory in Montreal. As your MP, I will not "lose" any of my constituents.
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Risk-taker
Running for elections is risky business, but I've been taking calculated risks since long. Once while riding a train from Heidelberg to Frankfurt, I stuck my head out the window while in motion. Being an MP involves looking up close at the issues that matter, not just peeking through the glass windows of a campaign bus.
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Will admit to error
A previous version of this website listed pterodactyls as dinosaurs. One of my supporters pointed out to me that those creatures were actually pterosaurs, not dinosaurs. As a result, I made the correction, and admitted error. If half way through my term, my dinosaur theme park ends up bankrupting the country, I will personnally admit that it was a mistake. But of course everyone loves dinosaurs, so it's unlikely to go wrong, as long as all the dinos are dead, and stay dead.
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A born leader
I lead. I don't stand in shadows, except the Moon's shadow.
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Safety first, usually
I successfully watched 5 solar eclipses, including one total (April 2024) throughout my life. My track record shows no eye damage, as I followed basic safety protocols. In 2044, I will be there with the dinosaurs as the Moon's shadow graces Drumheller with the most spectacular cosmic show.
Artist's rendering of the 2044 eclipse in Raptor River—Crowfoot -
Steadfast and passionate
When I want something done, I do it. When I want to share my passion, I do it. My two year old is already convinced about Bishop's University. I was able to convince him that for both father and son, Bishop's would be a great school. Hopefully, he will be able to go to the Drumheller campus I will lobby to have opened.
In the media
- July 27th interview by the Toronto Star: read here, or if you get to a paywall, read here!
- July 29th interview by Le Devoir (in French): lisez ici!
- August 7th podcast interview by CBC: listen here!
On August 18th, vote for Nicola Zoghbi. Vote Raptor River! Just unfold the longest ballot ever, and go (almost) all the way to the bottom of the list!
Democracy, uh, finds a way.